Tracks on the ground

I want to see my daughter for Christmas. This was the 2nd birthday I've missed & I'm not happy about it. I check for airfare prices but I know I can't afford it, I love to punish myself in that way. But, if I had one wish that would be it. She wants me to move out there, I want to move out there. It'll be good for all of us, though I may hate the overcast days, I'll be happy to be near her again.

It's been a month since he left & I can say that I still feel exactly the way I did a month ago. It sucks. I still have hope that we'll be together again. Eventually it'll either happen or I'll get tired of waiting. The great thing is, he's as miserable as I am & he misses me just as much. Whatever.

We went to the Pow Wow last weekend (tis the season!) & Kota finally danced, it was nice seeing him out there. He's decided he wants to start dancing regularly so I introduced him to some friends. It'll be good for him to learn part of his heritage.

yea know, sometimes it's a motherfucker just to get through an hour.

Somehow in my quest to remain as busy as possible I have created chaos. Go figure. I have had an emotional month, lots of ups and downs. For the first time in a long time I have no earthly idea what I'm doing. I'm just doing, 100mph until it doesn't hurt. I've begun to calm it down some, drop into 2nd gear. I weighed the good & bad & there's a whole lot more good than bad going on so I have little room to complain. At least if you look at it from the outside surface in, it appears that way. Inside though, the bad outweighs the good, because that one bad is pretty bad. What keeps me from completely loosing my brain is knowing that this will pass & it's not forever. It's just a matter of when.

I am trying to do a serious (as serious as I can be) re-evaluation of life & what I want, all that good shit. It's not working because I have no clue what I what. Let alone what I am going to be doing in 30 minutes from now. Chaos. Yet, I still think of him, in those little blank spots the chaos hasn't filled.

I want to be selfish at this point in my life. I want. That's what I want. I want the things that I have wanted my whole life but never got around to getting/doing. I want. That has been on my mind the most. I have spent so many years with me last on the list & not getting a damn thing that I'm over it. I hate that I sit here & look around & there's not a damn thing here that is ME. It's all someone else's shit, not mine.

I got a cat the day after he left. She's about 2 years old, I named her Lilith -). What's funny (not really) but she's sick & they gave her a -cillan for the antibiotic & I'm deathly allergic. A friend was giving her the meds but I started the other day. When I finished my heart was pounding & my hands were shaking. But as long as I'm careful it shouldn't be a problem. It's a good reminder for me that I am not invincible.

My next purchase is a motorcycle. It has become my new focus. I'm just working out a few wrinkles. My insane ex M offered me the money with a HUGE string attached. The question is: how bad do I want it. I want it bad. Just because. Because I want one, bad.

I think I'm just over it, everything, life. I've revamped my budget & cut out $300 from my monthly ass raping. Daycare sucks. I plan on moving to another state. Not sure which one. I want to run & not look back & I will do just that.

I can't remember the last time a flashback made me jump from the inside out. It's been 'under control' for a while & last night as my mind was running through it's thoughts the image popped up. It lingered a second longer than usual. My reaction was like the time the praying mantis hopped from my hand to my face (without warning me first!!). The image was unrelated to the current events taking place around me.

My mothers death has been a relief to me, as well as other people I'm sure. I'm tired, this week has drained me. Not from my grieving but from handling everything. I cannot wait for everything to be done so some things can return to some sort of normalcy.

I've been listening to everyone's version of her all week & I realize that she was loved by a crap load of people. The hardest part is sitting back listening to their stories knowing what I know. Hearing how she loved & cared for people that no one else did hurts somewhat because she loved so many people but the ones she should have loved. Those are small minor things running through my head at the moments they occur.

I can't wait to get this over with so that I may glue the pieces back together & finally begin to live.

I have somehow lost Frogadette. I went to clean the tank & she was gone. There is no holes or anything for her to get out so I'm puzzeled. I have found no body...yet. I cleaned the tank & there is no evidence of anything odd or out of the ordinary. H said that Frogadear must have ate her for not giving up the toad snatch. The last time I saw her was when I was feeding them, she usually hides because every time she's out & about Frogadear tries to mount her so feeding time is really the only time she's out. She's been gone for a few days now, I hope I don't find her hard toad body all stiff-ewwww. That would suck. One thing is for certain, she's not in the tank. I'm not sure what to think, perhaps toadnapping or my new roommate has a fetish that is just...nasty. If that damn thing hops out at me when I am trying to make coffee, I am going to fry & eat her (small meal though). The whole thing is odd, she didn't just disappear.

On another note, I am feeling much better, not all better but much. At least I don't feel as if I snorted a feather pillow.

Why is it that I dislike doctors yet it seems as though I am always there. I was there last Friday and I was there today. Today I have bronchitis & some stupid ear thing. I don't think he was listening to me, I admitted I couldn't hear, he just flat out ignored me. He said I can't hear out of my left ear because I smoke. WTF?! Ok I know people are on the anti-smoking band wagon but give me a fucking break. I have water on/in my ear, there is pressure building up & that is causing my hearing to become less--how does me smoking CAUSE this? So essentially what he is saying is that only a smoker gets water on the ear. hmmmm. yeah ok, I'll let that one lie for a moment & move onto....

I inquired about the new quit smoking pill out there, he informed me that it was several hundred dollars & my insurance will not pay for it, and frankly why should they pay for my stupidity. Yes in those words. Let me say that there are 2 MDs in that practice & I have seen that one twice, so...WTF?!

Which brings me back to my ear. He gave me a script for my ear, now if the smoking caused my ear to go deaf & insurance does not cover my 'stupidity' then logic would leave me to believe that this whole thing is retarded. I will call from now on & see if my doctor is in there, I do not like that other one. He's short & fat anyways.

I have had a whole week to think about what my doctor said last week & I still have not come to terms with it. It's not that I am ignoring the situation, quite the opposite, I am aggressively taking care of it. If they have to do a double mastectomy then I'll deal with it when it happens. There is still to many questions & not enough answers, so I'm just waiting. From what I understand I will spend many a nights wondering whether or not my test will come back good or not. My friend said it takes a week to get results back so, every other month till whenever I will have to have biopsies & mammo's & sono's. I am thankful to have the insurance, so at least it isn't as bad as it could be.

Out of it all, the one thing that just chaps my ass is the fact that I have to go see the doctor now, no matter what. I hate that, but it could be worse.

We had horses when I was little. They weren’t riding horses though, they were race horses. We each had our ‘own’ horse that we fed & took care of, as much as a kid could I guess. It gave us something to do on the weekend. I use to love the racetrack. I was there more than my brothers. My mom let me skip school to go with her. I loved my horse very much. I would give him oodles of sugar cubes and I’d brush him for hours. His stall was always clean, to this day I can still smell him (damn they stink!). I would stand under his mouth and he would gnaw at my head. It felt so good, kinda like someone scratching your head.

His name captivated me & even now when it rolls off my tongue it sounds so sweet. Unfortunately for name purposes I can not divulge that name, that sucks so we’ll call him The Chief... I immediately looked up the word in the dictionary & it made me love him more, the name fit us both in a way. I always asked my mom if I could ride him & the answer was always no, I know now why but back then it really upset me that I could just jump on & ride till the end. He was a harness horse, never been ridden, raised for one sole purpose. I was sure though that he would let me ride him & right now I still feel the same way.

I never wanted to leave the racetrack, I hated going to school because that meant I would not see him. On race nights though I was there, scanning the competition, reading the stats & giving The Chief a pep talk, as I did for him before every race. I told him about the other horses, I talked to him as if he understood every word I was saying. I sat front for every race. . I was so proud when he won a race, he was a damn good racer. He won this one race that was important & it got him a plague. I toted that thing as long as I could but when you move as much & the way we did, you don’t get to hold onto material things. The ones he didn’t come in first on I still gave him the same after-the race talk. I washed him down & made sure he was taken care of for the night. Race nights were the best & now I can bet! Since I was always at the track, the riders never paid me no mind when I was around, so I was able to blend & get the scoop. I learned of some of them bleeding their horses to make them run faster & all sorts of shit that’s just nasty. I hoped The Chief never had to endure those things. I talked to all the other horses too, not just ours, I was all over the track. I knew most by name, couldn’t tell you a thing about their owners but I knew everything about those horses. The track was my second home.

The only thing I have left of him is his bit. I kept it on my keychain but took it off &hung it on the wall. Good thing to because a week after I did that I lost my keys & have been using the spare ever since. When my step father died my mom sold the horses & loaded us up again. My brothers use to tease me & say he went to the glue factory but I find that hard to believe since he was a money maker & my mom loved horses as much I do so I don’t think she just had him slaughtered for dog food or glue. I miss him but when I think of him I remember how I felt when I was around him, he was a good friend.

It’s been a while. My internet was down but I half ass have the problem fixed so bear with me while I make an attempt to return from the outside world. So many things have happened in the past month. I have been trying to catch up on my reading but it is slow going. I have time though. Don’t I? My plan though is to try to post at least once a week until I’m caught up. My comments on post will more than likely be sporadic until I get my ground again.

I finally got a car. It gets me to & fro so who am I to complain. I went shopping & actually bought clothes for myself & not at a store where you can buy groceries too!!!! Sometimes buying underwear that doesn’t come in a pack can do wonders for the soul. I bought the girl child clothes too, took them both to the mall I did. Yeah that was stupidity wrap in 5 hours of ‘kill me now’. I peered over the railing on the 2nd floor & contemplated my chances of jumping & not fucking it up. The little shits can smell money, I swear. We had fun though & it was semi-worth it. Hahaha.

A good friend gave me their laptop so I’m just happy as hell about that. The keyboard is so much smaller so that’ll take time to get used to. At least I don’t have to copy & paste the ‘!’any longer. Work is….well the same. My hours have increased & the pay has stayed the same, go figure. I hate that I have this need to work my ass off for nothing but self satisfaction. I hate that I love it & I love that I hate it. I was born to work so I may as well shut up & go with it. I am finally getting recognition so that has made my ass hurt less.

The little mans 4th birthday is coming up. I bought him a Hot Wheels Harley & the neighborhood hasn’t been the same since. As a mom I worry about the gifts I give the heathens, they never like them for long or at all. That is life though but let me tell ya the happiness in his eyes when he asks if it’s charged up just drives me crazy. I finally got a gift that is perfect. He rides it constantly & has found a way to pop a wheelie.

Life isn’t that bad these days, my stress is down somewhat (except for work). I’m just rolling with the punches. Well I’m off to the unknown.

I had an interesting conversation the other day regarding hope. Like any subject that deals with the way a person feels, a stalemate was called.
"They say there is always hope. Without hope there is nothing."
"What happens when all hope is lost?"
"That can not happen"
"Yes it can, it has, I have-once"
"There is always hope"
"I guess you can say there at any given moment any person can have hope, but a person can loose hope"
"Impossible"
This irritated me intensely, I do not like it when people tell me that something is impossible--All day I pondered the meaning of hope, I questioned a few friends as well. I'm thinking somewhere along the line the definition of 'hope' must have gotten lost, maybe I'm wrong. I drag out my trusty dictionary. Everyone should have at least one, on-line dictionaries are fine but I prefer the hard copy. According to the Oxford dictionary hope is not described as a positive or negative emotion. It is just "expectation & desire combined" do people just assume it's positive? I apparently did because I had lost all hope of a particular person, but I had not, I only went from a positive expectation & desire to a negative one. The other definitions were basically the same, at least my interpretation of it was. People just make it seem like hope is a positive thing, it appears to be both. Perhaps I should rephrase my comments in the future to be: "As far as I am concerned as an individual I feel that all positive feelings of hope has turned into negative expectations."

I would like to know how everyone feels about the word 'hope'. Am I odd for feeling that a person can loose hope completely. Is that what we do when we make our minds up? Food for thought on a Sunday--maybe I've lost my mind & no one has been polite enough to let me know!!

My new years ended up being pretty cool. My friend P came over & we had a drink (I had a couple) & at 1am we decided to head to the condo at the beach. Well what a way to wake up! When I stepped outside for my morning cigarette & coffee (she already had it made) I gazed upon the ocean. As I sat at the garden table & lit my cigarette I stared out 'as far as the eye can see', which brought me to the question, how far is that? Well I don't care for the answer, it is a question that I have asked myself every time I look out from that patio. The waves were high & there were a few surfers about. We walked to the local restaurant, had a nice breakfast & just existed. The hot tub helped considerably since the day before I was standing on my head (don't ask you don't want to know!). It was a nice day all together--can't beat that with a stick (well ya can but it won't do any good).

I had this awesomely wonderful post all planned out right?! Well somewhere between logging on & typing I lost it. That'll happen. I think it had something to do with Pink Floyd. 'A Momentary Lapse of Reason' had me in the 'zone' & well that was just about it.

It had something to do with this Saddam thing. I haven't been keeping up on the war or any of the such. It's depressing. I read headlines & that is it. I decided to read this execution though, I can't be completely out of the worldly loop, & thought well shit he went out pretty good. He didn't sniffle or anything. Now I don't want any comments on how un-American I am or shit like that. He was an ass during the trial, always cocky & his life ended the same way-that's all I'm saying. He didn't punk out is what I'm saying, he still felt he was right & stood by it. That doesn't make it right but shit happens that way. I also liked the swiftness of his death--wow they have an execution express lane better than Texas!!!! If any person was surprised by the outcome of this they need to be shot just for the fuck of it. I mean someone had to pay & they chalked it all up to him & well the public would have went into a frenzy had they let him go or imprisoned him. Whatever, just food for thought.

Today is the 31st, when I wake up it'll be a new year. I'm not a 'happy new year' person---lord willing & the crick don't rise--I'll be asleep by then, probably not but I can shoot for it. I've never watched the ball dropping from New York, on TV or in person. Huh, interesting--I guess it was one of those things that I just never did. Shit happens.

Don't drink & drive--actually don't drive at all tonight, there's too many cops & idiots out there. Have a happy & safe new year!!!!!

H bought my birthday present for me today. It took so long because the pet store didn't have any until today. Frogadear has a friend, the name is Frogadette. I thought I had it all taken care of, I picked the right size & everything. Brought the little bitch home & not 15 seconds later Frogadear is attempting to mount her. I use the word attempt because he must have been so damn excited he caught her in a backwards 69--try explaining that to the pet store-the pet store where everyone there knows me. I tried to be as tactful as..well as I could possibly be. Here I am on the damn phone after separating them (I thought they were fighting) (really I did). The pet store says it must be a mating or a territory thing, as long as he doesn't start biting then it's cool. As he gets the last word out H screeches that Frogadear had Frogadette in his mouth. Well fuck me. Apparently Frogadear has a big ass mouth like me! I ran back up to the pet store & got some crickets with hopes that he'll eat & chill out. One of them was making noise, it was so neat. My camera is on the fritz so as soon as I can get that fixed I'll post some of them. I also decided to let the newbie smoke thinking maybe if they both just chill it'll all be ok. ho hum.

In other news...M has been fairly quiet-I'd like to think he got the hint but I know better. Time will tell. I have been dating a couple different guys. Last night I had a nice dinner & he wants to see me again tomorrow night. The mailman put K's xmas gift on the porch & someone took it. It was 'The gift' too. Seven different belly button rings. I have been on the phone to the customer service & to the local office & I also emailed them. They all said "someone will get back to you in 1-2 business days." Well chicken fuckers I called you on Tuesday, it is now Thursday night. Why the fuck would a mailman do that, I live in a fucking apartment on a fairly busy street. Oh I'm sorry, they asked the mailman & he said he hasn't delivered any packages to my apartment. I'm getting conflicting stories & I don't like it. The company re-opens on the 2nd & I've already emailed them to duplicate the order. Which I have to pay for again since the post office has it listed as 'delivered'. No chicken fuckers, it wasn't delivered. A minor irritation is what this is but it'll all be ok when they resend it to my job, that way I know I'll be there when he delivers it.

How can I miss something that I never had?



I do, I miss my father.

I thought that some people knew me, apparently I was wrong. I was on the phone this morning to my mom & she asked me if I wanted to go to midnight mass with her. What would make any human, who knew any part of me, think that I would want to go to any church? I am not into the whole 'organized religion' thing. People do it, it works for them, great leave me alone about it. I am not baptized, never have been. I do not go to church & only went years ago to repay a friend for helping me through a bad time. It was out of respect for a friend that I went.

Another thing why is it that people feel the need to be cocksuckers 364 days out of the year & then go to church & say well shit I'm sorry next year it'll be better. A person can go to church every fucking day & still be an asshole. I'm not even going to begin ranting on that one, it's a dead horse-I will not beat it anymore (today at least).

Why she asked me if I wanted to go I have no idea. No one can ever tell with her, she's sneaky & evil. In fact, the evil runs so deep, I may just go to see if she sets on fire upon crossing the church threshold!!!!! When I voiced my dislike for the church & organized religion she stated to me that she does not believe in god & that she is only going to be at one with her thoughts. Well fuck me. Isn't this one of the very reasons I do not like organized religion? Needless to say Denise will not be going to church. One night will not save my soul, or hers, at least I accept it. I say one night will not save my soul because there is very little I regret & those things I have already made my peace with. The other things, the 'sins', I will not change. I can not fake an I'm sorry.

Well merry fucking ho-ho. On a lighter note my son informed me that his tricycle was to big for me (he gets confused) & wanted me off of it. Why can I not play too? I asked him to hop on the back & away we went, my legs are sore but it was fun. I'm sure the neighbors & people driving b thought it was amusing as well.

That was my morning.

I have switched over here till I can figure out what is up with Blogger. If I get used to this place I may stay--doubtful because I do not like it. If my page is fucked up in any way let me know because I assure you I won't know at all because I have no idea what hell I'm doing on this. So until I beat this bitch into submission or until Blogger plays nice we'll all just have to wait & see how mess up I can get this thing. Did I mention I was not pleased to be here? I don't like the format, I don't like navigating through it. Overall it just irritates the fuck out of me in ways that can not be described (remember the IE7 incident?) need I say more???

I lay there, arms spread wide, just lying on the cold tile floor. Darkness surrounds me & the only sound is flowing through the speakers. My heart beat rises to the sound of the piano, Moonlight Sonata, my mind drifts. I breathe deeply & as I exhale, I’m taken to a time that was long ago but only yesterday in my mind. Darkness fills me as I float away to almost 26 years ago.

We were so far out that there were no streetlights, I cannot recall any streets for that matter. We lived out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by the woods. I was on my way back from a neighbors’ house, possibly to run some errand of some sort. After he finished his business with me, I was sent home. Stopping by the barn, I leaned up against it & allowed my small body to slide down the side. Looking up at the stars, how bright they were so long ago. I see them clearly as I silently cry with the wild animals in the woods. Darkness engulfs me as I sit & stare into complete and utter nothingness. I blend, I am no one, the darkness makes anyone anonymous, I am no different. I am safe, I know this because the darkness has concealed the little girl, I blend. The animals make their night sounds, I am not afraid, I know the woods, I know darkness. As I stand to compose myself & to clean off the marks of him, I am scared to go back to the house. I know more waits for me. They do not like it when I’m not back quickly from an errand.

As the song changes, I am brought back to the here & now. Chopin I think it is, sounds like him. The darkness in my apartment conceals me, I blend. I am no one in the darkness as I open my eyes. You are not that little girl anymore. You no longer need to hide in the darkness, but it is safe. Sometimes the darkness will bring such light into a person.